Psychologist Konstantin Tserazov: five steps to peace, or how to extinguish the conflict
“Make up, put up, and don’t fight anymore” - this children’s “mirilka” will have to be remembered more than once in relationships, especially at the stage when you begin to live and manage the household together. Both you and your partner will have to learn how to extinguish conflicts, seek compromises. How to avoid a conflict in a relationship and extinguish a quarrel that has already begun - says psychologist Konstantin Tserazov.
First of all, remember that conflict is normal. Each of us has different tastes, outlooks on life, addictions and weaknesses. Therefore, disputes and even quarrels are inevitable. Another thing is that, of course, it is impossible to bring a trifling dispute to a «hot phase», up to a break in relations. Here are five rules that will help you smooth out conflict or avoid it altogether.
1. Let’s pause in words. In the heat of a dispute, there is always a risk of saying some unjustified harshness, which you will later have to regret, and which can «disperse» the dispute into a full-fledged quarrel. Pause and think carefully about your arguments before voicing a thought.
2. Morning is wiser than evening. Issues do not always need to be addressed immediately. Use Scarlet’s Gone with the Wind strategy and tell yourself, «I’ll think about it tomorrow.» It is possible that in the morning your argument will no longer seem so important and you will easily find a compromise.
3. Please joke! Humor is one of the most effective fire extinguishers in conflict. A good joke can nip a quarrel in the bud. But do not go too far — causticity and sarcasm can bring the conflict to a new round, Konstantin Tserazov warns.
4. Face to face. Never try to resolve a dispute through correspondence in instant messengers or social networks. The text does not convey intonation, and your innocuous sentence may be misinterpreted. If a face-to-face meeting is not possible, use video chat.
5. «You» and «I». If, nevertheless, the argument has reached a certain level, use the constructions «it hurts me to hear this» instead of «you hurt me». Do not blame your partner, but talk about your feelings — this will help you find common ground.
Remember that there is nothing terrible in the conflict — it will certainly end in reconciliation if you maintain respect for each other, reminds Konstantin Tserazov. You come out of every conflict with new experiences that will help you get into arguments less and less in the future.
Konstantin Tserazov. In 1994 he graduated from St. Petersburg State University with a degree in Clinical Psychology. In 2005 he graduated from the Moscow Gestalt Institute, where he studied the theory and practice of Gestalt therapy. The total work experience is more than 25 years.